Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Just Live by Faith

Well, once again, I'm feeling really down about the adoption. Let me be more clear, not the adoption, but the TIMELINE of the adoption. I know you've all heard me say it before... we expected to be home with our daughter Christmas 07. Ha!
I thought once we accepted Jia's referral it would be better, and it was for a while. I had things to do. Gather dossier documents... again, check. Get everything notarized, certified and authenticated... again, check. Go through the homestudy... again, check. Drive the social worker nuts until she completes the homestudy... again, check.
You get the picture, I had things to accomplish, checks to write, people to politely call, daily... But once everything was submitted to CCAA... again, there was nothing I could do to 'push' the process. It is totally out of my hands and all I can do is.... wait. Ugh.
I never really thought of my self as a control freak... I mean I do 'prefer' the dishwasher loaded a certain way, the towels folded a certain way, the van pulled into the garage at a certain angle... (hmmm!!!) As long as I had some 'control' over the process, I was good. But now... well you get the picture!
Anyway, I was reading in my bible tonight and ran across a favorite verse in Habakkuk.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it taries, wait for it, Because is will surely come, It will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:3
An appointed time speaks of a determined time in God's eyes, not mine. God knows His plan and how it will all work out according to His purpose. The fullfillment of the vision will not take any longer than God has planned all along.

Why is it so hard to give up control, or better yet, realize I'm not in control. Oh, I may think I am, but I'm forgetting Who really is. I'm not trusting Him, His plan, purpose or timing. Although His Word tells me His way is perfect, I want it my way. Do I want to wait for perfection? Or do I want to settle for less?
I am human though, and the thought of Jia still in the orphanage, not having someone hold her, love her, teach her, touch her, play with her etc... it breaks my heart. I know how blessed I am with my family now and I don't mean to discount that. But I also feel a real pain from wanting my daughter home. Each day she misses out on her family and we miss out on her. I feel stuck, not complete. I want to move forward, but I feel like I'm on pause.
I'm sure once the weather warms up, we can get outside, the boys will start baseball... the time will go by more quickly. I know it will all be worth it when I finally hold her. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is just a bleep on the radar... but that doesn't make it any easier right now.
People are so kind and always ask if we know something, but it just serves as a reminder that, unfortunately we don't. It's just hard, it stinks.
Maybe I'll write out that verse and put it on my bathroom mirror. Oh, and at my desk at work. And probably in my car would be good to...
Now I think I'll go listen to that awesome song by John Waller from Fireproof... Worship While I'm Waiting...

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